I think there's a hidden piece of Mr. Girl life advice in this video, which is that you shouldn't try to make yourself look good when communicating. This video exposes one of his insecurities in a way that makes him look bad, without asking anyone to support or validate him. That's always been my favorite part of Mr. Girl's content.
When I found the now dead Mr. Girl YouTube channel I was in crisis. I had graduated college, not gotten a job, and was lying to the people around me about how I felt and what I was doing. I started implementing the Mr. Girl strategy of not defending myself or trying to make myself look good around that time. I'm writing this comment to assess the results. I will start with the good:
1. I feel like less of a fraud than I did when I was carefully managing my image. Not caring gave me courage to do things that would otherwise have been too painful to attempt. A year ago I went to visit an ex girlfriend to ask her to break up with her boyfriend and be with me instead. She didn't, and I wasn't surprised but I was proud.
2. I find conflict much less upsetting than it used to be. Most of what people tell me in arguments is reducible to the accusation: "you're a bad person," and it's much easier to hear if you can accept that they do see you as a bad person right then. They expect you to deny it or flip the accusation, and I've found people often calm down if you just acknowledge their feelings without apologizing or trying to change their mind.
3. Social interactions are simpler and more fun. When I met a new person, I used to slyly inquire about their worldview and then reflect it back to them. This was pretty normal for where I grew up, and it created complex, terrifying feedback loops in introductory conversations. I still inquire about how people see the world when I meet them, but I try to respond by sharing the part of me that seems like the best fit instead of hammering myself into a complementary shape. Sometimes the best fit still sucks.
The cost to not cultivating my image is that I look to the outside world like a weirdo. I live in an image conscious enviornment, and the people around me are often confused and concerned by me. Most women I meet are turned off within several minutes of meeting me, and many men are the same. I've de-tuned my faux pas sensor, and I now do things that seem practical but to my surprise evoke disgust in others. Here are some examples:
1. Wearing a floppy sun hat and face mask during peak sun hours (I burn easily).
2. Buying and using power tools. Working with your hands is considered a low class thing to do.
3. Washing my bicycle. Same as above.
4. Barefoot shoes.
5. Not reading the news or knowing about what happens in the world
6. Energy drinks over coffee.
7. Not drinking alcohol
8. Not eating desserts
9. Taking health pills before meals.
I recently lost a potentially valuable research collaboration because my potential collaborator saw me cycling in full sun protection and was freaked out by it. For context, I'm a PhD student and live in college, so there is no clear distinction between my home life and work life.
I also present my ideas in a way that makes them look obviously bad and crazy, which is something that I used to see Mr. Girl do quite a bit. I do it because I want to remove pressure from the other person to validate me. You're socially pressured to validate your friend's bad idea, but not when your friend has signaled he knows its a bad idea. I'm starting to think that this is just another mask that I'm using to protect myself from judgement. I've cued up people to not accept how I think, so I don't have to feel rejected when they accept my cue.
The result of all this is that I feel a little alienated from the community around me, and I'm now considering making an active attempt to be more normal. I think radical vulnerability and honesty may have been a good idea when I was on the verge of implosion, but now that I am more stable I think I may be able to tolerate a higher load of self-promoting behavior without relapsing into imposter syndrome.
I think there's a hidden piece of Mr. Girl life advice in this video, which is that you shouldn't try to make yourself look good when communicating. This video exposes one of his insecurities in a way that makes him look bad, without asking anyone to support or validate him. That's always been my favorite part of Mr. Girl's content.
When I found the now dead Mr. Girl YouTube channel I was in crisis. I had graduated college, not gotten a job, and was lying to the people around me about how I felt and what I was doing. I started implementing the Mr. Girl strategy of not defending myself or trying to make myself look good around that time. I'm writing this comment to assess the results. I will start with the good:
1. I feel like less of a fraud than I did when I was carefully managing my image. Not caring gave me courage to do things that would otherwise have been too painful to attempt. A year ago I went to visit an ex girlfriend to ask her to break up with her boyfriend and be with me instead. She didn't, and I wasn't surprised but I was proud.
2. I find conflict much less upsetting than it used to be. Most of what people tell me in arguments is reducible to the accusation: "you're a bad person," and it's much easier to hear if you can accept that they do see you as a bad person right then. They expect you to deny it or flip the accusation, and I've found people often calm down if you just acknowledge their feelings without apologizing or trying to change their mind.
3. Social interactions are simpler and more fun. When I met a new person, I used to slyly inquire about their worldview and then reflect it back to them. This was pretty normal for where I grew up, and it created complex, terrifying feedback loops in introductory conversations. I still inquire about how people see the world when I meet them, but I try to respond by sharing the part of me that seems like the best fit instead of hammering myself into a complementary shape. Sometimes the best fit still sucks.
The cost to not cultivating my image is that I look to the outside world like a weirdo. I live in an image conscious enviornment, and the people around me are often confused and concerned by me. Most women I meet are turned off within several minutes of meeting me, and many men are the same. I've de-tuned my faux pas sensor, and I now do things that seem practical but to my surprise evoke disgust in others. Here are some examples:
1. Wearing a floppy sun hat and face mask during peak sun hours (I burn easily).
2. Buying and using power tools. Working with your hands is considered a low class thing to do.
3. Washing my bicycle. Same as above.
4. Barefoot shoes.
5. Not reading the news or knowing about what happens in the world
6. Energy drinks over coffee.
7. Not drinking alcohol
8. Not eating desserts
9. Taking health pills before meals.
I recently lost a potentially valuable research collaboration because my potential collaborator saw me cycling in full sun protection and was freaked out by it. For context, I'm a PhD student and live in college, so there is no clear distinction between my home life and work life.
I also present my ideas in a way that makes them look obviously bad and crazy, which is something that I used to see Mr. Girl do quite a bit. I do it because I want to remove pressure from the other person to validate me. You're socially pressured to validate your friend's bad idea, but not when your friend has signaled he knows its a bad idea. I'm starting to think that this is just another mask that I'm using to protect myself from judgement. I've cued up people to not accept how I think, so I don't have to feel rejected when they accept my cue.
The result of all this is that I feel a little alienated from the community around me, and I'm now considering making an active attempt to be more normal. I think radical vulnerability and honesty may have been a good idea when I was on the verge of implosion, but now that I am more stable I think I may be able to tolerate a higher load of self-promoting behavior without relapsing into imposter syndrome.
Thanks for reading my blog post.
Great post, thanks for sharing this it resonates a lot.