When Shaelin gets angry, she turns into a different person, and that person hates me. I was similarly dysregulated early in our relationship, so our blowout fights used to make more sense. I would scream at her, she would sob and break up with me, I would break things, and we’d both call each other horrible names.
I'm not sure what I think of publicly airing a relationship's dirty laundry. It feels a little suspect to discuss your partner's weaknesses or failings at length to the public. I'm hoping she at least consented to it!
Anyway something to try re the emotional outbursts, if you haven't - become a gentle listener. Even if the emotion is irrational, let the child behind it be heard. Re the dish, I would have said, 'I'm sorry, let's talk about it - tell me how you're feeling, I'm willing to listen'.
Basically... take on the therapist hat from time to time. It's a useful skill. People with emotional outbursts have often been bottling it up, and also often just want to feel heard - nothing more, nothing less.
And this is important - you'll have to accept that just because you're willing to play that role for her, doesn't mean she will for you. The tit for tat shouldn't matter anyway, only the outcomes.
I showed this to my therapist the other day, and she seemed to be blown away. It made sense in the context of the session, and I also wanted to show her who this mrgirl guy is. She is a good therapist, so she has boundaries as to not impose herself more than necessary, but as she was walking me to the door after the session, she thanked me for showing it to her, and said it was beautifully written.
She was showing me that I can trust her. I had previously withheld a few things because I worried about her judgment and how it would effect the relationship, but I've been more vulnerable. I expressed how being that vulnerable has hurt me recently, and that I dwelled on it a bit after the last session, so I think she was being intentionally warm in that moment after the session for me, not for her. She is a really good therapist, and I'm lucky for that.
Wow! What an article. Def helped me understand where you're coming from when complaining about shaelin's behavior in the relationship. internally i was made to side with you while reading this but obvi i don't know either of you or have enough info to take a real side or a nuanced approach. Very interesting and useful stuff to consider if similar situations arise in my own life. Thank you very much for sharing this intimate part of your life with us.
By the end of the article, I was thinking "There's no hope. What could be done? He's done everything he can hasn't he? Does he just have to wait until she changes or give up waiting on her?" But then you proposed a couple's therapist. Maybe that is the solution. "But what if she takes shaelin's side?" well, if the therapist can't save the relationship, it seems (to a passerby who's very disconnected from you two and the reality of it) to already be dead, so, what's the real risk? To admit that it is? To burn the body? I'm sorry. Good luck friend.
Thanks for all these articles. They're really great and help me think a lot. This one really shook me when you brought up Epiphany 3. I laughed out loud reading along with your narration (nice touch by the way) even though my girlfriend is sleeping next to me because "I'm proud that I can finally bring myself to rape my girlfriend" sounds unhinged but it makes perfect sense in the way you organize the world around you and life. I have definitely worried that I am raping my girlfriend, especially near the beginning of our relationship, because she doesn't seem to be able to say no. I had to very proactively temper myself and try to give her every opportunity to decline sexual contact, I would offer before, during, and after. Often she wouldn't respond and I would stop, because compliance is not enthusiastic consent (I know you have opinions about that) but she would take my hand and put it back onto her. Nowadays, she is more clear "I want you to fuck me!" or she initiates and comes over and starts twerking her butt into my crotch. It's very reassuring that this is actually what she wants. I'm sorry that you have to rape your girlfriend.
Now I'm curious as well. What if she takes Shaelin's side? Will you disagree with the couple therapist or concede that you're in the wrong (which I don't think is the case based on what you wrote here). It'll probably depend on what they're actually siding with Shaelin about or for.
Great write-up. In classic mrgirl fashion, you put words to the emotions & feelings I've experienced but never quite had the awareness or vocabulary to do so myself. I hope one day I can. Happy New Year.
I log this type of your material as 'good advice I will never give myself the opportunity to use' despite gaining catharsis from it. Thanks for sharing.
I'm not sure what I think of publicly airing a relationship's dirty laundry. It feels a little suspect to discuss your partner's weaknesses or failings at length to the public. I'm hoping she at least consented to it!
Anyway something to try re the emotional outbursts, if you haven't - become a gentle listener. Even if the emotion is irrational, let the child behind it be heard. Re the dish, I would have said, 'I'm sorry, let's talk about it - tell me how you're feeling, I'm willing to listen'.
Basically... take on the therapist hat from time to time. It's a useful skill. People with emotional outbursts have often been bottling it up, and also often just want to feel heard - nothing more, nothing less.
And this is important - you'll have to accept that just because you're willing to play that role for her, doesn't mean she will for you. The tit for tat shouldn't matter anyway, only the outcomes.
I showed this to my therapist the other day, and she seemed to be blown away. It made sense in the context of the session, and I also wanted to show her who this mrgirl guy is. She is a good therapist, so she has boundaries as to not impose herself more than necessary, but as she was walking me to the door after the session, she thanked me for showing it to her, and said it was beautifully written.
That's nice to hear, although I imagine it being pretty complicated for you in addition to being nice.
She was showing me that I can trust her. I had previously withheld a few things because I worried about her judgment and how it would effect the relationship, but I've been more vulnerable. I expressed how being that vulnerable has hurt me recently, and that I dwelled on it a bit after the last session, so I think she was being intentionally warm in that moment after the session for me, not for her. She is a really good therapist, and I'm lucky for that.
Wow! What an article. Def helped me understand where you're coming from when complaining about shaelin's behavior in the relationship. internally i was made to side with you while reading this but obvi i don't know either of you or have enough info to take a real side or a nuanced approach. Very interesting and useful stuff to consider if similar situations arise in my own life. Thank you very much for sharing this intimate part of your life with us.
By the end of the article, I was thinking "There's no hope. What could be done? He's done everything he can hasn't he? Does he just have to wait until she changes or give up waiting on her?" But then you proposed a couple's therapist. Maybe that is the solution. "But what if she takes shaelin's side?" well, if the therapist can't save the relationship, it seems (to a passerby who's very disconnected from you two and the reality of it) to already be dead, so, what's the real risk? To admit that it is? To burn the body? I'm sorry. Good luck friend.
Thanks for all these articles. They're really great and help me think a lot. This one really shook me when you brought up Epiphany 3. I laughed out loud reading along with your narration (nice touch by the way) even though my girlfriend is sleeping next to me because "I'm proud that I can finally bring myself to rape my girlfriend" sounds unhinged but it makes perfect sense in the way you organize the world around you and life. I have definitely worried that I am raping my girlfriend, especially near the beginning of our relationship, because she doesn't seem to be able to say no. I had to very proactively temper myself and try to give her every opportunity to decline sexual contact, I would offer before, during, and after. Often she wouldn't respond and I would stop, because compliance is not enthusiastic consent (I know you have opinions about that) but she would take my hand and put it back onto her. Nowadays, she is more clear "I want you to fuck me!" or she initiates and comes over and starts twerking her butt into my crotch. It's very reassuring that this is actually what she wants. I'm sorry that you have to rape your girlfriend.
Now I'm curious as well. What if she takes Shaelin's side? Will you disagree with the couple therapist or concede that you're in the wrong (which I don't think is the case based on what you wrote here). It'll probably depend on what they're actually siding with Shaelin about or for.
Great write-up. In classic mrgirl fashion, you put words to the emotions & feelings I've experienced but never quite had the awareness or vocabulary to do so myself. I hope one day I can. Happy New Year.
Does a couples therapist need to be a woman Max?
thank you for prioritizing your needs enough to rape your girlfriend! inspirational
This was extremely disturbing and inspiring at the same time. I really don't know what to think.
Thanks for sharing.
girl, whaaaaaaaaaaaat.......? Anyway-
I like the new approach to content, and its pace. Is there a content roadmap?
Also, I recognize that shirt from your JLP interview!
I'll probably do a couple more of these in January, but the content roadmap is:
It's Hard to Be Black (music video)
Shame Lane (book)
The Pedophile Narrative (video essay)
And some more music in there somewhere.
Nothing you say will have us on the 'ilikelittleboypeepees' grind. You should've pitched that on Epstein island.
I log this type of your material as 'good advice I will never give myself the opportunity to use' despite gaining catharsis from it. Thanks for sharing.
That's very fucking good. I am glad old Mr.Girl is back.
PS I like that I can also listen to this, good move